Madonna reveals she contemplated self-harm during custody battle over son Rocco

During her first-ever podcast interview, Madonna revealed that she contemplated taking her own life, but her spiritual practice helped her work through it.

Appearing on Jay Shetty‘s On Purpose podcast, Madonna discusses her study of Kabbalah, which is a form of Jewish mysticism, and how she never could have dealt with certain challenges without it.

“There were moments in my life where … I actually contemplated suicide,” she tells Shetty. “And that probably sounds really weird coming from me, ’cause I’m not emo. … But I was like, ‘I can’t take this pain anymore.'”

Asked what challenge caused her to feel that way, Madonna reveals, “One of the most painful moments in my life where I could, I honestly couldn’t see the forest for the trees, was when I went through a custody battle with my son. … Someone taking, trying to take my child away from me was like, they might as well just kill me.”

That battle took place in 2016, when Madonna’s son Rocco Ritchie, who she shares with ex-husband Guy Ritchie, left her during her Rebel Heart tour and went to live with his father in London. After a lot of legal back-and-forth, the couple resolved the matter privately.

“I was on tour at the time, so I had to go on stage every night,” Madonna recalled. “I would just be lying on the floor of my dressing room sobbing. I really thought it was the end of the world. I couldn’t take it … but thank God I don’t feel that way anymore.”

As for how Kabbalah helped her through it, Madonna explains, “As soon you understand that what’s happening to you is a challenge that you are karmically meant to experience and learn from and evolve to a higher level of consciousness, then you can look at that event, that experience as a lesson and not punishment.”

If you are in crisis or know someone in crisis, contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988, by calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or by visiting 988lifeline.org. You can also contact the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741.